I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
