I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
