ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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