Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
