I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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