Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
