Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
