farters have to be the big spoon...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
