you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
