You smell like a Billy Joel song
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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