put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
honey bunches of taint.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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