Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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