I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
