Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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