You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
