I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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