My friends, they love my intelligence
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You're like the curious george of whores
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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