look no pants
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
