My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wear drunk well.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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