Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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