I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
