Will you blow on my dice?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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