What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
