My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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