I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
