and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am midnight drunk by noon
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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