I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
