i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
