ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
50% drunk capacity currently
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
