My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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