we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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