I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Randomize
