you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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