Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
