The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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