Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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