So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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