last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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