My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
