it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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