Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
