the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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