You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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