My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm jealous of your bromance
Can Purell be used as lube?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
