we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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