A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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