my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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