Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
