he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.