yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
