I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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