Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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