omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i believe in u and ur pee
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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