I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Randomize
