I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
