Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Your cock deserves a montage
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
