Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
