I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you mean i was at the winter classic?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
