Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.