The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.