i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that