she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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