a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
