I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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